BEYOND THE BOOTH # 7: BoB WAGNER

How I wrote my first murder ballad, "Richest Man On Earth" 

by Bob Wagner 

Quick disclaimer, this song does not condone violence in any way. It’s just a song, technically a murder ballad, a goofy, demented form of art and a fun way for the bad guy to “git it” without anyone actually getting hurt. Cool? Cool. With that, here’s the story of February 18, 2025, the day I wrote this song and decided to kill the richest man on Earth…

I purchased a near 100 year old guitar and wrote my first murder ballad on the same day. Coincidence? Perhaps, but it sure felt like one thing leading to the other.

I’d journeyed south to Jake Wildwood’s guitar shop in Rochester, VT, down through the always enchanting if not slightly spooky Mad River Valley, where I fell hopelessly and immediately in love with this 1930’s Oscar Schmidt rubber bridge electrified parlor guitar. It had the wildest fretboard I had ever seen - a firestripe pearloid monstrosity so ugly it was positively gorgeous. I was there to drop off a similar style guitar for repair, one Jake had recently assembled for me that I tragically, accidentally left out in my studio for the sun’s rays to destroy. Typical Jake, he took the splintered wreck off my hands and let me put what value it had left in it towards my new axe. Good guy, that Jake.

The vibe was heavy with this guitar, kind of an obvious and proper choice to write my first murder ballad on, something I’d been long inspired to attempt by my dear pal Matt Hagen, a prolific songwriter of mulitple genres who’s work often wades fearless and deep in dark waters.

So I asked myself, “Well, if I’m gonna write a murder ballad, who should, ya know… git it? Like, who’s gotta GO?” And I can still feel the smile that hit my face one second later - like a twisted little kiss of spring on an otherwise drab Vermont winter day.

It was February 2025, Trump had just been sworn in, created DOGE (Department Of Government Efficiency) and tapped Elon Musk (an un-elected schmazi-saluting billionaire and the actual richest man on Earth) to take a chainsaw to what was left of American democracy. And boy was he getting after it.

Guitar in hand and my first victim decided on, I thanked Jake and headed back to Burlington. Now here’s the part I really get a kick out of as a songwriter…

On the drive back to Burlington I hit record on the voice memo app on my phone and just sang different lyrics and melodies as they came to me until I got home. And when I arrived, the song was all but done - all I had to do was pick up the guitar and write it down. I’d never written a song away from my instrument before (!!) and I am definitely not what you’d call a fast songwriter. This was strange and new territory and I really enjoyed it.

What’s more, I wrote this just before heading back to Nashville to finish work on a few last tunes for my record. I was only able to eek out a recording of it because my pals Mark and Rhees were nice enough to come in last minute. So because of all that, not to mention Laur Joamets’ stunning performance on guitar, this song is quite special to me.

Some of you may recoginze Laur’s excellent guitar playing from his work with Sturgill Simpson, an artist I’m quite fond of. The way my jaw dropped to find out he was available to come in and play on a few tunes… I’ll share that story another time. For any guitar nerds out there, he’s playing slide on my 1960’s Silvertone 1448 on this track.

One more fun tid-bit about this recording : Mark Raudabaugh is playing a literal, actual chicken coop for drums.

Bob Wagner . rubber bridge guitar, piano, vocals, music & lyrics
Mark Raudabaugh . chicken coop drums
Rhees Williams . bass
Laur Joamets . slide guitar
Recording + Mixing Engineer . Brook Sutton, The Studio Nashville
Mastering Engineer. Will Tyson


Lyrics :
I just killed the richest man on earth
Laid his body to the ground
Yes, I put him 'neath the dirt
And there won't be no funeral
But we can gather round and head off
And find the richest man in town

Didn't shoot him, didn't stab him
Not even a black eye
I just stopped paying him attention
Cause I'm too broke to spend my mind
You see all he wants is all the eyeballs on him all the time
He may elicit some of your affection
But he can't get none of mine

I just killed the richest man on earth
Laid his body to the ground
Yes, I put him neath the dirt
And there won't be no funeral
But we can gather round and head off
And find the richest man in town

Will they lock me up?
Or throw me behind bars
Will they set me to workin
To colonize Mars
Now the head of the snake
Is rolling on the floor
I know things they won't be like they was before
No things they can't be like they was before

Either way, you know I'll be just fine
Yes, my mind is like an ocean
And she can do the time
Yeah but back home there on earth
It seems someone new has jumped the line
There's a new richest man on earth
Shaped like a hole in the dirt
And it's looking like you and I are late for work

I just killed the richest man on earth
Laid his body to the ground
Yes, I put him 'neath the dirt
And there won't be no funeral
But we can gather round and head off
And find the richest man in town